Grace in Defeat

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One of the finest examples of courage and class in the face of crushing disappointment is the example of George H.W. Bush in 1992. He was a popular vice-president under Ronald Reagan and sailed to victory in the battle for the White House at the end of Reagan’s eight-year term. But in his bid for a second term, he was bested by a little known (at the time) Democrat from Arkansas, Bill Clinton.

It’s tough to lose. Especially when you are a senior statesman with pedigree, experience, and endorsement. But lose he did to a much younger man who didn’t share his background but carried his own impressive track record of making himself into something from humble roots.

On the day Clinton entered his new place of work—the oval office—he found a letter addressed to him on his desk. Bush had handwritten a note of congratulations and encouragement to the nation’s new president, underscoring the fact that Clinton was the nation’s leader, not just for his party. Bush threw his support behind his successor wholeheartedly, wishing him well, praying for him, and saying he’d be rooting for him.

Later on, in the many biographies and documentaries that emerged on H.W., it was revealed the loss was a brutal one—a deep wound that took a great while to heal. No, Bush wasn’t over it by mid-January 1993. But here’s where the class enters in. He put his feelings aside for the good of the country he loved. For Bush, it was going to be country over party all the way. And he wasn’t going to offer a terse “congratulations, best of you luck to you,” message to Bill Clinton. No, he dug deep into his well of decency and courage to reflect everything good about America. He chose to buoy the man who beat him to do his best for the country with the knowledge that his powerful predecessor had his back.

Thus began one of the sweetest and most empathetic traditions in American politics—personal notes to incoming leaders from outgoing ones (https://digg.com/2020/peaceful-transfer-of-power-presidents-letters-to-successors). Bush to Clinton, Clinton to Bush, Bush to Obama, Obama to Trump.

But now we stand at a point in American history where class and dignity inherent in a peaceful transfer of power have vanished.

Official concessions are more of a tradition than an actual mandate. So as long as Biden’s victory keeps checking out in all the rechecks, certifications, and validations that are customary in all American presidential elections, the results will not change.

And just to offer clarification, the Associated Press reports the following: “The Homeland Security Department’s Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency has slapped down rumor after unfounded rumor about voting malfeasance and joined with state election officials in a statement declaring the election to have been the ‘most secure in American history.’ By secure, they meant there was no evidence that any voting system deleted or lost votes, changes votes “or was in any compromised.” That was a clear repudiation of Trump’s unfounded accusations.” (https://apnews.com/article/election-2020-joe-biden-donald-trump-barack-obama-democracy-aac449060f5b9f2e991c0be19323b49b)

Two days after Trump won the 2016 election, he and Melania were guests of the Obamas at the White House. Michelle graciously toured Melania around her new home, while Barack and Donald had their convo. The Bush’s did the same for the Obamas, and so forth.

Will such a thing happen now? It doesn’t look likely, though things can always turn on a dime. Would it be a nice gesture? Absolutely. But it isn’t needed. Because for the Bidens, there is no love lost. After all, they’ve already been in the White House—many, many, many times. Does Jill need Melania to show her around? Not when Michelle already has.

And does Trump need to talk to Joe Biden about the gravity of the presidency? Rhetorical question.

In the meantime, teach your children well—buck up and accept your losses when they happen. Extend sincere congratulations to winners. Realize we can’t win all the time but rising above disappointment with dignity always puts you in a position of strength. And if you’ve had problems with this as an adult, it’s never too late to try the “take the high road,” course of action.

A little note to the president: refusal to accept defeat with grace makes you a bigger loser than you already are.

What Have We Learned?

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I’m going to preface this post by saying if you are distressed by the events of the last several days, skip reading this. But if you want to see if there’s anything too good to glean from things going south, perhaps this will help.

I remember well the sense of despair that covered me the day after the 2016 election. I hoped that Trump’s campaign rhetoric was nothing more than just that. And that within the walls of the White House, decency, commitment to country, and the gravity of the presidency would prevail.

Well, we know how the story turned out. But in reflecting over the last four years, we’ve certainly learned many things. This list, by no means comprehensive, shows us that there is something positive we can draw from rough moments (or years).

  1. You can choose to see the good in people or convince yourself everything is bad. One option will keep you sane, the other will give you digestive problems.
  2. Some days you might have to force yourself to believe the sun will shine. Do it.
  3. Memes making fun of nutty presidents are good.
  4. Look to your late-night comedians (Jimmy, Jimmy, Trevor, and Steve) to find something to giggle about.
  5. Those late-night comedians will help you feel less alone.
  6. Focus on the people that matter. They aren’t going anywhere.
  7. Become an activist for people without much voice. There is strength to be found in that.
  8. Kindness, integrity, and honesty are by far, makes you look a lot better than cussing out irritating people (even if you really, really want to).
  9. Obama’ing yourself is a good plan of action: when they go low, you go high.
  10. Don’t get complacent. Always look for the next bit of work that needs to be done; prepare for it, roll up your sleeves, and dive in.
  11. Don’t lose your sense of humor.
  12. If things don’t go your way, don’t blame God. You need Him.
  13. Doing things for others will make you feel better.
  14. Don’t complain if you aren’t willing to get involved to solve a problem.
  15. Look back throughout history: what happened to Mussolini, Hitler, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, etc.? The people rise, help comes, the sun shines again.
  16. We are stronger than we think.
  17. Good can and will prevail. Even if it takes a long time.
  18. No one can take your faith from you.
  19. There is more good in the world than bad. The bad just gets more coverage.
  20. Life always moves forward.

What else would you add to this list?

An Open Letter to Trump Supporters

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Dear Trump Supporter,

This year has been a doozy, hasn’t it? It started with some news about something called COVID way over there in China around December 2019. I know, like you, I didn’t think too much of it. Then Australia started burning. Weren’t you moved by pictures of homeless koalas with charred paws bottle-fed by rescue workers? Me too. They are homeless because their homes—Eucalyptus trees—lit up like tinder in the blazes. So many fires, floods, and other natural catastrophes erupting—quite literally—all over the world. It’s as if something is going on in nature, you know?

By March, the world was locked down. Who’d have ever imagined it? Gyms, bars, nail salons, even churches, etc.—all closed. How badly did you feel about small business owners who lost their sources of income? Employees of larger companies who lost their jobs due to necessary downsizing—I know several of them. I know you do too. There was so much information going back and forth about what we could do to stay safe—I know it’s been confusing.

Someone said we’d be rocking and rolling by summer. We weren’t. It’s November and we still aren’t. But that’s nothing compared to the more than 200,000 families that have lost ones to this mess of a disease. Did you hear Europe is going on lockdown again? Yeah, numbers are going up, not down. Here in America as well.

I know you watched all the protests this summer in the wake of George Floyd’s death. It was the catalyst that tipped the point for a lot of Americans. I think Black lives matter and as a people in the United States of America, they have gone through unthinkable horrors that no one should have to go through. I think you might agree with me on that.

I could go on and on recounting all the things that have made many of us want to cancel 2020. But there’s just too much. Way too much.

But I want to know, after everything—four years of crazy stuff that has been well-documented—by both national and international press, the impeachment, after all the deaths, after the fact that as long as this pandemic goes unchecked our economy won’t survive; after the failure of the president to denounce white supremacy, all the rape allegations, Jeffrey Epstein and that mess, after his infidelity to all of his wives, after his tweeting insults at anyone who doesn’t agree with or worship him, after the way he’s appeared to hijack Christianity to suit his purposes, after the fact that he’s the candidate of choice for the KKK, why did you still cast your vote for him?

I am well aware all Trump supporters aren’t all waving giant flags off in boat parades, insulting people of color at the local Starbucks, or trying to run Biden buses off Texas highways. I know that. Within your political community are people who love their families and friends, value their faith and places of worship, and genuinely want America to prosper and be peaceful.

So, please help me understand your choice.

A lot of the issues that seem to divide us are actually things we can work together on—even under a democratic administration. It doesn’t have to be do or die—there is a way to meet somewhere in the middle. It will take compassion, kindness, patience, and compromise, but it’s doable.

To move forward, we’ve got to understand each other better. So I’m asking you: help me understand.

Sincerely,

A friend

Better Uses of Precious Time on Election Night

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I don’t plan on watching anything related to election returns tomorrow or for the next several days. Wolf Blitzer, keep your breaking news beeps to yourself!

And if you think you’re going to need copious amounts of alcohol or anxiety meds to get through the night, you need to shut your TV off, put your laptop away, and hide your phone. Don’t assault your liver or your brain.

So, what can you do instead? I have a few ideas.

Cook an Amazing Meal
No, not a boxed Old El Paso taco kit (though if you love that, carry on!). Find recipes (or turn to trusted ones) for a four-course meal: Appetizer, Salad, Entrée, Dessert. Spend the evening cooking it and set the table for a nice dinner. Even if it is for one! Turn on music you love, relax, nourish, and indulge yourself.

Spa Night
Take a long and luxurious bubble bath with bath salts (of the bathing variety, thank you very much), facial scrubs and masks, scented candles, and turn on a movie that will make you laugh. Or go the music variety and hit up a spa playlist on Spotify. If you have a non-political favorite podcast, cue it up and enjoy it!

Bake Fest
Is it the best idea to drown your worries or anger in a pan of brownies? Not really, but these are desperate times. But you can bake brownies or cookies, or some other favorite treat to share with others. Wrap them in little cellophane baggies and drop them off for neighbors and friends as an unexpected treat and all-around kind gesture.

Netflix and Favorite Comfort Food
Order in any treat meal you desire and watch something that has nothing to do with politics or the state of the United States of America in 2020. So no, you cannot watch Outbreak, Contagion, World War Z, I am Legend, and especially not The Handmaid’s Tale. But I do have some suggestions:

Somebody Feed Phil (travel and food with an all-round nice human being)
The Great British Bake Off (just good times, stunning baking, Britain)
Emily in Paris (full of cliché, great fashion, and food, just fun)
My Octopus Teacher (sigh. Get your Kleenex out)
Crash Landing Into You (This is a long-haul K-drama. You will go down the rabbit hole)
The Big Family Cooking Showdown (British, families, foodie battles)
Challenger: The Final Flight (not light-hearted, but kids of the 80s all remember this)
The Office (Do yourself a favor and commit to the enigma that is Dwight Schrute)

This list by no means even scratches the surface, and we haven’t even touched Prime, Hulu, and HBO Max. But you get what I mean. And yes, my list is clearly tinged with my preferences, but I’m sure you’ll find something good to distract yourself.

Workout, Audiobook and Go to Bed
Get a long workout in and go to bed early. Bonus treat: download a free audiobook from “Libby,” which is a digital book borrowing service linked to your local public library. So, if you have a library card, you’re set. Find an audiobook and tuck in like someone is telling you a story. Please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t audiobook Fear or Rage, or Melania and Me, or anything related to the election. Just find a good story and get lost in it. By all means, read a hard copy if you prefer.

Tuesday Night Bible Study or Book Club
If you’ve got like-minded friends involved in Bible study or book club virtually, don’t cancel. Carry on as normal. Maybe make it extra-long. Go heavy on the prayer session, actually.

Just a few things to help you through. Repeat as needed, for as long as needed. We’re all in this together.

2016 PTSD

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Who remembers Wolf Blitzer on CNN popping up every few minutes with a “breaking news!” alert? I wanted to swat him into eternity after about an hour of it. My heart couldn’t take it. His alerts only announced that what we thought was a dream, was actually becoming reality.

The night before the election, we celebrated my daughter’s 17th birthday with friends at an Argentine restaurant. All of us thought there was no way Trump could or would win. The word “buffoon,” was used quite frequently during the course of the conversation. Most of us were feeling solid in the idea that by that time the next evening, the first woman president of the United States would be elected.

How wrong we were.

In retrospect I can see how polarizing Hilary Clinton was as a candidate. I can see why so many people thought that voting against her to take a chance on a loud-mouthed reality TV person with questionable morals and financial history couldn’t be that bad. I mean that with all sincerity.

Of course, if you were someone who wanted to slap progressive Americans back for eight years of the suavest, sanest, smartest, most likeable, president and first lady we’ve had, November whatever, 2016 was the best day of your lives. As Van Jones boldly put it that night, Trump’s election was “white-lash.” Was that harsh? In many cases yes. But in others, it was spot on.

So, we cried and anguished for a bit. Quit certain friends on Facebook whose true colors were brightly revealed, and stopped watching the news. I used to start my mornings prepping for work with GMA on. The morning after, I couldn’t bear to hear the president-elect’s voice or listen to more analysis. I turned to Friends on Netflix. Joey Tribbiani and Phoebe Buffay particularly, kept me sane.

That’s something I actually have kept up for these past four years. Once all 10 seasons of Friends was behind me, I watched Say Yes to the Dress, The Great British Bake Off, The Office—anything that wasn’t a reminder of the mess we were rolling deeper and deeper into with every passing day.

So, election night 2020 is days away. I don’t plan on watching the returns. When I went to the grocery store yesterday, it was crowded like the day before Thanksgiving. Turns out, a civil war might erupt, and people are stocking up on essentials again like they did in March. Just when Wegmans started stocking Lysol wipes again, the shelves were empty.

Man, this blog is bleak. But I think it proves my title right: 2016 and the ensuing four years have left a lot of us with PTSD. No joke.

So, what can we do as we face an uncertain future:

  1. If you believe in God or your version of a higher power, pray. Since I am a God-loving woman, I’m going to keep up with my talks with Him.
  2. If you take meds for depression or anxiety, make sure your prescriptions are stocked. Don’t miss a dose.
  3. Exercise, eat well, rest, drink water, take your vitamins—all the things your body needs to keep going. Now is not the time to neglect your health.
  4. Make plans for zoom calls with friends and family who are on the same side of the ticket as you are. You’ll have time to reach across the aisle when things calm down. You don’t need extra aggravation right now.
  5. If you are in therapy, keep going. If you think you might need therapy, set that up and follow through.
  6. Remember that you are not alone.

Now I’m writing as if Trump will win again. Honestly, I don’t know. But these tips are wise even if we do manage to send him packing.

If things go your way, don’t gloat over the “losers.” If this country is going to knit itself back together it’s going to require compassion, kindness, and a swallowing of pride from all involved. Take the high road.

Finally, resist the urge to cyber clap back at people. In fact, maybe this is a good time to take a social media break altogether. Focus on the humans who love you. Focus on the bigger picture. Focus on your spirituality. Focus on making the world a better place right around you.

I think that’s good advice for life overall.

Good luck and God bless. 🙂